Priceless

You know, blogs are funny things. When I write them I can never really get past the feeling that I should be writing in newsletter style, letting everyone know the doings of my life in a very general and objective way. If I'm going to write about something personal I always find that I try to write it in a sermon/story type of way. It's hard to try and write the real me, but there is so much of the real me that I could share. I always have so many thoughts, emotions, and experiences I could write about but I'm always a bit hesitant about how real to make everything because that would be exposing myself completely. There is always a bit of an auto-guard that kicks in when I write that tries to edit everything into a nice neat package to put on display. Sometimes I'm afraid that the moments that I really cherish and think are precious will be watered down and not shared in the same way if I were to share them with everyone. Sometimes I'm afraid that they will become less precious if everyone knew about them, the same way that gold's value would decrease if everyone had loads and loads of it. Sometimes I want to save them to share with people who I really value and who really put in a effort to get to know me, that way I know that they won't be wasted and they'll really want to hear what I have to say. And what about the not so nice things, the things that are ugly and coarse? Would people be able to handle the truth of those things without thinking my life is falling apart? For example here is a bit from my journal on monday:

I'm having a bad day. It's one of those days where I'm finding life hard. I am outside my home country, I do not have very many friends and sometimes it seems like work just consumes my life. It's just a bad day. I have them, everybody has them, they happen. And as much as I'd like to be able to tell everyone around me to back off, would they understand? Yes, it happens to Christians, am I not allowed to have a day where I'm grumpy? I hope tomorrow is better, I'm sure it will be. I do not want anyone to fix anything for me or to be like "poor Jenny" or think I need a load of prayer. I mean prayer is good, but I do not want it out of pity, I want it out of support. I just feel like being able to tell everyone that I'm having a bad day without them thinking that it must be just because I'm homesick and feeling sorry for me and the sacrifice I must have made to come over. It's not about that at all. It's just that it's not a very good day. Why can't people just accept that sometimes?

Sometimes I'm even afraid to journal moments for myself because I don't think that I'll be able to fully capture what the moment held. Like the times when the Holy Spirit whispers in your ear how much He loves you and how much He's rooting for you to succeed when things are hard, or even just because. Or when you're feeling ovewhelmed and you sense His loving arms wrapped around you tight reminding you that He's holding you. Or just when something little in your day makes you smile and He whispers how much He loves it when you smile. How can I put into words the beauty of those experiences? I can't. How can I put into words the reality of those experiences? I can't. And sometimes I think that's why it's so hard when people ask me "how do I know God is real?" Because I can't put into words those moments that I treasure so much that I would put all my faith in a God I cannot see. Of course there are the tangible things, the situations that have come about miraculously out of faith that I can share but they are not what I'm living for. I'm living for those moments that cannot be put into words, that I will not even know fully until I am in Heaven face to face with Jesus. I'm living for the real-ness that even I can't understand.

1 Corinthians 13:12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.